Something I Can Never Have
by silentmekare
Summary: My entry for the Black Balloon Contest. Rated M AH/AU Battling between wanting to protect Bella and wanting to posses her completely Edward has made a decision that has torn his world apart.


**The Black Balloon Contest**

**Title:** Something I Can Never Have

**Pen Name: **silentmekare

**Characters: **Bella/Edward

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns everything Twilight, even though I wish I could own Edward like he owns me. le sigh

A/N: thanks to afonalaw and blindmaharet. I swear I owe you guys big time. u are the best! around, nothing's gonna ever keep you down (you know the song admit it, or watch the karate kid again.) xoxo

Warning: some drinking to drown sorrows, cussing, and some rough sex.

Soundtrack: Something I Can Never Have by Nine Inch Nails and Only You by Yaz

* * *

**EPOV**

It was sunny in Forks. One of the fucking wettest, darkest places in the Pacific Northwest and the sun was shining. Not only was it shining, it had been heating this city for the last couple days. God, or whatever ironic power there was out there pulling strings, was fucking mocking me. I closed my eyes, knowing that if I kept them shut long enough feeling the sun's heat engulfed me; I could pretend it was her body against mine. The thought would shatter when I moved my hands only to find nothing there. As the months since we broke up passed I found it harder and harder to remember what her body actually felt like, but I would never forget the heat it produced. I opened my eyes and looked straight into the deceitful sun that shone above me and gave it the middle finger.

I stood up from my seat at the window and tripped trying to make my way to the front door. I had lost weight and my pants were hanging loosely, really too loosely around my hips, causing them to hang low so the bottoms trip me up. I took them off. I lived on my own and didn't leave the house anymore, so it really didn't matter. I opened the door slowly, making sure there was no one around and pulled in the grocery bags that lay on the floor. Oddly, there were two different bags of groceries. One was from the market down the street that I paid to bring me booze and smokes. The other bag was actual groceries that had to have been from Alice. I told her repeatedly to fuck off, but apparently she didn't feel the need to listen to me, not that I had thought she would. Her bag was full of fruits, vegetables, instant rice, soup, cheese and crackers. I laughed despite myself. I grabbed the box of crackers and threw the rest of her groceries away. I was still breathing and that was all anyone had the right to ask of me but the crackers could probably soak up some of the alcohol, which would allow me to drink more. I grabbed the bottle of Jack, lit a cigarette and sat at the window letting the heat of the day consume me again.

I don't know how long I was asleep. My skin felt tight. Night had come, the sun and it's warmth replaced by the damp and the cold. Clad only in boxers my body shivered as I came to. I grabbed the bottle of Jack that was beside me, chilled to the perfect temperature. I put it to my lips and poured the whiskey into my mouth, downing almost half of it. I registered pain and a faint hint of blood. I put my fingers to my lips and could feel the cracked mountains and small rivers of blood that now adorned my once "perfect" mouth. I smiled creating a couple more mountains of dried skin, feeling it separate and sting. I took another swig of the bottle and tried to prop myself up. My body was too numb and I couldn't really get my blood flowing correctly. The moon was bright but cast an ominous blue tint to my surroundings. I looked down at my body my white skin soaking up the color projected onto it. Pale blue skin and blood in my mouth, I'm sure I looked like a vampire, a pathetic dying one, but a vampire nonetheless. The thought sent a spasm of pain to the inside of my chest that had nothing to do with the cold. She loved vampires.

"_Do we have to be vampires again Bella?" I laughed at her as she turned around and looked at her ass in the mirror._

"_I'm not a vampire Edward. You're a vampire. I'm an innocent psychic southern girl that works at a bar, who has fallen prey to your intense vampire charm."_

"_Are we watching the same show, cause the intense vampire you speak of is a whiney bitch."_

"_Don't you speak of my Bill that way, he's just perfect the way he is. Does this look ok?"_

_She pranced around in her "Sookie shorts" teasing me with her ass. She looked at me coyly through the mirror making me harder than I already was. Suddenly the unrelenting need I felt for her, that I normally tried to keep at bay, made its way to the surface. I could feel my body click over. I stalked over to her surprising myself by how quickly I got to her. _

"_You want me to be a vampire, my Bella?" I said as I pulled her to me and nipped at her neck, watching her in the mirror. She flushed brightly, all the blood in her system fighting to break through her skin. I ran my nose up the column of her neck, inhaling her very essence. "You want me to bite you, don't you?" I whispered, pressing my teeth down harder. I could feel the need in her body intensify, as her breathing got heavier. I grabbed her hair in one hand, roughly exposing more of her neck to me, while my other hand snaked around her waist, skimming the bottom of her breasts. "Is this what you want my precious, mortal Bella?" My hand moved down her stomach and into her shorts. Her breath hitched just as my fingers entered her and I bit down hard on her neck tasting her blood._

I shook myself out of the memory. That was the first time I let the monster in me take over. It was the first time she lied to our friends and family about why we didn't show up to the party. It was the first time I'd been ashamed of who I was and it was the first time I was angry with Bella. I hated that she felt the need to lie to them and I was angry that she was ashamed of me and what I had done to her. It was irrational because I was ashamed of myself, but when she wore her hair down to cover the most predominate mark I had left on her body I couldn't help but feel the anger swell inside me. She swore time and again that she liked it. I think she could sense the internal battle going on within me but actions were speaking louder than words. What she didn't' understand is that while I was upset that I marked her perfect angel flesh, bruising her body with my teeth and my hands, the most atrocious part that I never dared to share with her, was that I liked it and yearned to do it again. I wanted to forever claim her as mine and leave proof for the world to see.

I took another swig of Jack, most of it spilling over me instead of into my mouth. I could feel the pins and needles pricking all over my arms and body and blood flow returned. I stood up and looked around at the tattered remains of my apartment; it looked like my soul felt. I moved over to the couch and stared at the television. If I stared at the blank screen enough I would see my entire life with Bella play before me, torturing me every moment of the day. Throughout my life I had enjoyed my over-active imagination, now it was just a knife to my kidney. A constant reminder that I had all the happiness in the world and now it was gone and I was the sole reason it left and the sole reason it couldn't come back.

_She was out with Jacob and though I told her that I didn't mind at all, I had spent the last couple hour's staring at my phone, snapping at anyone else who dared call me. When she finally called to tell ask me to pick her up I was out the door before she even said hello. I made my way down to Port Angeles, where they had been out to a movie, in half the time it usually takes. I parked and walked to where she told me I'd find her. I heard her laughter before I saw her. I stopped in my tracks and watched her from a distance. She was standing with Jacob and he was tickling her, making her laugh. She was struggling in his arms but not actually fighting too hard against it. The jealousy in me flared. It wasn't only because he was touching her. It was the smile and laughter that bothered me the most. Though we had shared laughter and our fair share of fun in our time together, I was never graced with that specific smile or laughter. It was carefree and light. I could feel the fire of my rage making its way through me, fighting with the cold hollow depression of seeing her share a piece of her that I wasn't privy to. I swallowed it down and walked towards them but before I came into view I saw his lips make contact with hers. She seemed shocked but didn't pull away. That was the moment my heart lost all its life and color. The kiss was chaste and he pulled away from her but they stared into each other's eyes; killing me with each additional second they held that gaze. I made my footsteps heavier as I approached them and greeted them with a tight smile. The smirk on his face, telling me he knew I'd seen it. I wanted to grab Bella and fuck her right there, make her cum and scream my name so he knew who she belonged to. It seemed like a moot point at that moment since it was his lips that had been touching her, and not mine. _

I woke up from nagging images of my past to a pillow being thrown on my face. I looked up the couch to see Alice in my apartment.

"Jesus Edward, it smells like death in here."

After the dream I just had, I was overcome with the need to ask my sister for comfort but kept still in my seat instead. I had given Alice up as well. She didn't have a key, so I just stared at her, hoping she would let me know how she got in.

"I asked the landlord to let me in. Told him some bullshit story but all he needed to know was that I was your sister."

I made a mental note to talk to the owners of this complex and have him fired.

"Don't do anything stupid, Edward. You know well enough by now that if I want something I'll get I, whatever it takes."

She smirked at me. I looked back at the empty TV screen, hoping she'd get the hint and leave.

"So, Alice, to what do I owe the displeasure of this visit?"

My voice sounded far away, as though it belonged to someone else and I wanted to punch the bastard that would dare speak to my sister in such a tone.

"Well, brother, don't be so welcoming."

"I'm not your brother by blood Alice, what do you want?" I could see the stab of pain my words had caused her and I could feel it in myself.

"I want you to come by the house tonight." For once in all the years I had known Alice her voice sounded soft and ruined. She usually was a force of nature; buoyant and alive and should never sound this way. This was the reason I needed them to stay away from me. I was about to decline the invitation and save them all the trouble but she held up her hand. "It's Jasper's birthday. Remember, Jasper? My boyfriend, your best friend, do you remember him at all? He was a part of the life you had not a couple months ago before you threw it all away."

"Alice." My voice was harsh. She was treading on topics that I would not discuss with her. Topics she actually knew very little about.

"You owe him at least this much Edward. I'm not asking you to stay all night. He would never admit this but he misses you. We all do, so please, just for a little bit. I'm not going to leave until you agree to it."

She tried to sound strong but I still only heard her ruined, empty voice. I stood up, gave her a curt nod and opened the door for her. She opened her mouth, losing the words in the vast space between us. She looked sad and confused but turned and walked away. Once she was out of earshot I slammed the door, and pounded my fist into it repeatedly. That didn't get the battle inside of me out, so I threw everything I could find, I threw books, I tossed cushions, I broke chairs. The tears flowed, as all my anger and hurt took its toll on my already massacred apartment. It felt good while things were crashing against walls. It was satisfying to feel my fist collide and break whatever object got in its way. For a second everything felt better but then I was left in the corner beaten and bruised, while it all rushed back, crushing me. I had shut them all out, I didn't want them to have to choose sides, and so I choose for them.

Every day I wanted to go to Alice, tell her everything that had happened and wait for her to tell me what to do, the way only my sister could. I wanted to confide in Jasper and have him reassure me with a pat on the back, calming me with his understanding like he always did. I even wanted to sit and play video games with Emmett, laugh and fight and have fun but that was all lost to me now. When I had chosen to give Bella what she deserved in life, the happiness I wasn't giving her, the happiness I could never give her, I had given her the only thing I could, the support and unconditional love of a family that would ensure her happiness and never leave her alone.

When I awoke again I was still in the corner of my destroyed room. My body ached and my knuckles were sore. I walked to the bathroom and let the water run over me. I was sure that the stench I smelled was mostly coming from me. I looked at the clock. I was already an hour late and figured the least I could do was get the stench off of myself. That was all I would do. I walked out of the bathroom and found the least offensive clothes off the floor, filled a flask full of jack and took a couple shots before I left. The alcohol hadn't fully hit my system, so driving to Alice's wasn't as hard as it should have been. When I arrived I looked up and saw Bella's car parked in front of the house. I sat outside, trying to find whatever courage I needed to make this happen. I found the courage in the empty flask on the floor of my car and made my way inside.

As soon as I walked in, the laughter stopped and I could feel all eyes on me. Slowly everyone started to whisper and it all became white noise to me. I saw Jasper and Alice on the couch closest to me. I walked up to them and looked right at Jasper.

"Happy Birthday, Jasper."

His eyes told me he wanted to talk to me and guests be damned he would do it now but my eyes had caught the one thing I was trying to avoid looking at. Bella was standing in the corner and everyone in the room was forgotten. She looked as beautiful as ever, vibrant even, but I couldn't concentrate on that since standing next to her, clutching her to himself, was Jacob Black. I was relieving the moment I saw him kiss her and everything thing in my soul crumbled. I walked over to the bar and grabbed the bottle of Jack and drank straight from it.

"Whoa there, little brother, save some for the rest of us."

It was Emmett. He always picked up right where he left off not even acknowledging the distance I had put between us. I couldn't handle the old camaraderie he thought we still shared. Without looking him directly in the eye I whispered to him. "Please Em, I can't. Not now. I'm here. That's all I can do right now." I felt his hand come in contact with my shoulder as he walked away. He did it to show his support but it made me feel ten times worse. Dirty, as if he was offering me something that I could no longer take from him.

The initial shock of my appearance had diminished and the party continued normally, no one paying me much attention as I sat in the corner furthest away from Bella nursing my bottle of Jack. After the months that we had spent apart I could still feel the undeniable pull my body felt towards her. I could feel her eyes on me. I concentrated on my bottle until she finally relented and looked away. When I was sure her attention was elsewhere, I looked up and took her in. She was wearing a pencil skirt, my favorite one, if I remembered correctly. She knew how much I love that shit, especially on her; it accentuated every motherfucking curve of her body. I want to rip it off of her and burn it. My eyes trailed further up to the see through black blouse. I thought I could see blue lace peaking at me from under the sheer black fabric. It seemed as though she'd gone through her wardrobe and picked out the pieces that would surely be my demise. Her hair was up and her long, swan-like neck was exposed. I closed my eyes and remembered the feel of it against my tongue. The image in my mind was so clear I could almost taste her. I couldn't help but feel that she had done all this on purpose. Just looking at her was enough that I needed to fight off the urge to run to her, strip her and fuck her in front of everyone here. Just to feel whole again.

She turned and looked me straight in the eye, my chest clenched. She was saying something to the imbecile and laughed at his response. That was my laugh that she was so willingly giving to him. It made my insides burn. I refocused on the bottle in front of me, taking another swig. The next thing I knew, the smell of strawberries and freesia hit me igniting all my senses. I tried to hold my breath but her smell fought its way into my nervous system and completely wrecked me in one second. I got up from my stool and heard the bottle shatter on the floor. I didn't look back at it as I walked away. I couldn't do this.

I went to the upstairs bathroom, splashed cold water on my face and looked in the mirror. My eyes were dark and sunken in. My beard was unmanageable and made me look like a wolf-man. My skin looked green and my lips had seen better days. I sighed and turned away from my battered reflection. If nothing else, tonight at least proved that I was right. Bella looked stunning. She seemed to have benefited from being without me and moved on rather quickly. I couldn't in all honestly say she moved on that fast considering he had always been in her life, longer than I was. But he was one of the reasons we were no longer together and it broke me to see her here with him, as if I'd never existed. It was what I wanted, after all, but I never knew seeing it would make me feel so empty.

I looked around the bathroom trying to find some solace. I couldn't face anyone downstairs so decided to hide out until the crowd had dissipated, becoming a prisoner in my sister's house. I lay down in the bathtub trying not to think of her but images of the two of them downstairs coursed through my system, driving me to the brink of insanity. I didn't hear the door open, nor did I hear her footsteps but I did feel her presence.

"Edward, I know you're in here. Please just talk to me." Her voice was like a choir of angels guiding me in my decent to hell. It made me want to cry.

"What the fuck do you want, Bella?" I hoped it sounded indifferent and harsh and that she couldn't sense the pain it cause me to talk to her this way. I willed her to go away. I wasn't sure if I could resist her if she was close to me. I ached for her and it was killing me every moment I was away from her. The silence was tense. I wanted to yell, call her names and make her leave but I could smell her again and I craved her so much that I lost my ability to speak. I was at a breaking point.

"I just don't understand. Why are you doing this to us? I see you, Edward, and I know this is killing you. Please, we can make this right."

I hated to hear her pleading. It broke me in every way possible. I wanted to go to her and wrap myself around her and tell her it was all going to be ok. I could feel her getting closer to me, the chemistry our bodies shared ever apparent. She stood just on the other side of the tub, only the thin curtain between us. I held my hand up to her shadow, tracing the curves that I was once so familiar with.

"I see you too, Bella. I see how well you're doing so please, just leave."

She must have heard the falter in my voice because her voice became stronger.

"No I won't leave and you're obviously not looking very clearly. You need to tell me why we can't work this out, Edward. I was happy with you. I only ever wanted you."

My breathing was heavy. I was going to break every rule I ever made for myself in regard to leaving Bella. She was just so utterly tempting and it felt so good to have her this close to me.

"Please, Edward, I need…"

I didn't let her finish her sentence. I didn't care what she needed at that moment, since my need for her was overwhelming. I stood up and ripped away the curtain between us. The hooks echoed as they fell on the floor, her eyes wide at the sudden movement. I grabbed her face and pulled it to me, our tongues meeting before our mouths did. It had been too long since I felt this undeniable need satiated. I opened my eyes and I could see what I felt reflected back at me and it was too much to take. She pulled at my hair and clawed at any part she could reach, trying to make me feel her pain. It was something she didn't need to do since I had felt every second of it. It was only now when I was touching her that everything felt better. All my suffering, the tortured silence between us was gone and all that was left was the two of us. I turned her so her back was to my chest and continued my assault down her neck. I ripped her shirt open and grabbed her breasts. I wanted to watch us together, to burn the image into my subconscious. I watched her in the mirror biting her bottom lip as she laid her head on my shoulder, lost in the storm between us. She grabbed at my hips pulling me closer to her, digging her nails into me. My eyes rolled back at the sensation. This was more than just sex. We were possessing each other, claiming whatever little bits of each other that we could.

"Does he touch you like this Bella? Does he make you feel this good?"

She opened her mouth but I didn't let her respond. I grabbed her head and kissed her again. She tried to turn towards me but I held her firmly in place. My movements weren't gentle but they weren't rushed. They were steady, deliberate, and forceful. I wanted her never to doubt that she belonged to me. I pulled her skirt down, scrapping my nails down her legs, leaving her in her matching bra and underwear set. I moved against her, watching her for a while. She was lost in the sensation and I had to bring her back down to me. I grabbed the side of her underwear and pulled until they ripped off her, leaving a red mark on the other side of her hip. She watched me as I pocketed the torn remains. I trailed my finger along her stomach, letting the anticipation build inside her and when she seemed about ready to open her mouth and beg, I bit down on her shoulder as I slipped a finger inside her. Her eyes fluttered closed as my fingers worked her, feeling the proof of her need between my fingers. I almost came knowing how ready and willing she was for me.

There were no words spoken between us, only glances through the mirror and the small whimpers and moans that came out of our bodies. When I felt her walls clench around my finger I drew it out of her. I pulled myself out of my pants, hard and ready for her. I thought about teasing her, making her beg, but I slammed into her hard, holding her shoulders, holding her body in place. She was tight, too tight, and the heat of her body burned at my soul. Her hand reached awkwardly behind her trying to grab whatever bit of skin of mine that was available to her, pulling me further into her. I could feel the skin break where her nails moved marking me.

I let go of her shoulders and grabbed her hips moving slowly within her. I needed to remember this, remember her, the taste of her flesh, the feel of her heat but it had been so long that I could feel my impending climax. I broke the deafening silence.

"Touch yourself."

She shook her head. I grabbed her hand and slammed it onto her heat, making her rub her clit.

"I said, fucking touch yourself."

I looked at her through the mirror and I could see the tears falling from her eyes. Tears caused by the monster behind her. I felt her start to tighten around me and started to move faster. By the time her walls clenched around my dick I was already releasing into her. We rode out our orgasms together, reveling in the feel of her skin one last time.

When we regained our breath I pulled away from her. I looked at her body and saw the result of our coupling. Bruises, handprints, teeth marks adored her angelic body. I was instantly disgusted with myself and had to turn away from her. She touched my shoulder, echoing Emmett's show of love and solidarity from earlier that evening, and I felt like throwing up.

"You need to leave now, Bella." The sharp inhale that came from her precious mouth brought tears to my eyes. I swallowed back my emotion to do what I had to do. I turned to her, face void of all the emotion that was trying to claw its way out of my chest, hoping that she might be able to see it.

"You should go back downstairs and return to your boyfriend."

"No, he's not, Alice…" she was mumbling trying to made sense of what was going on. I could see the tears forming in her eyes. "I thought… You love me, Edward, I know you do, please just don't do this."

"I love you, Bella. I always have, but this isn't good." I held her to look at herself in the mirror. "Look at what I've done to you." I ran my fingers through every mark on her. "I'm a monster Bella and I'll end up destroying you. I will not let that happen."

I couldn't look at her, at what I'd done to her, anymore. I pulled up my pants and left. I could hear her sobs echoing in my mind.

I made it home in record time. I locked the door and laid my head against it. I should have never gone tonight. My poor misguided sense of loyalty to my family had caused more pain than my absence would have. It was selfish what I did to Bella and there was no coming back from the pain it had caused both of us. Suddenly I heard Alice's voice reverberating around me.

"Edward, please. I invited Jacob, me! I thought you would get jealous and oh, I don't know. I didn't know he was the reason. Edward please don't do this. She loves you. You haven't seen her these past couple months, she's been miserable without you just like you've been miserable without her. You're a whisper of who you used to be, a whisper of who you can be. Why are you doing this?"

I turned the volume down on my answering machine and Alice's voices faded away from me. She didn't understand that Jacob wasn't the only reason. She didn't understand the monster I turned into around Bella. None of them understood. I paced the room for a bit. Bella wasn't going to give up on this unless I was gone. I was her drug and being around me, around the possibility of me was going to destroy her. I needed to go away and leave. Then maybe, just maybe, she could start living the life she deserved.

I pulled my shirt off and my pants. Everything smelled like her and I couldn't take it. I bundled my clothes up and put them in my pillow. I might not want to smell her now but I definitely would later. I would leave tomorrow and never come back. I grabbed my bottle of jack, opened my window and lit a cigarette. The cold slapped me and surrounded me, taking away the last residual bit of warmth left from her and the cigarette smoke was doing its best to erase her sent off me. I sat in my chair with my feet on the window sill and I watched the night sky. I didn't want to leave. I wanted her with me forever but all I could see were the bruises around her hips. Tonight proved to me that given any situation I could not deny her anything, including myself, and it also proved that I couldn't contain the monster I was, either. I drank, thought of her, and drank some more until the earsplitting silence took me.

_It had been a week since I saw her kiss Jacob. A week since my heart broke. A week since she started lying to me. She didn't mention what had happened with Jacob. She didn't tell me anything about that day. All she did was daze off while tugging at her lip. I wondered constantly if she was thinking of his lips touching hers. I hadn't kissed her since that day either, something she also didn't bring up. I wanted to take her to Jacob, I wanted to fucking kill him, and I wanted to make her watch. Punish her for putting me through this and then fuck her to prove to her once again that she was mine. My thoughts were irrational and nauseated me. I felt myself turning into a monster._

_I made her take me to the meadow, our meadow. When we got there she looked scared, sensing that things hadn't been right between us, sensing that this wasn't a good scenario to be in. She grabbed my hand and I pulled away and dove right into it._

"_When were you going to tell me that you kissed Jacob Black?"_

_She reeled back as if I had just slapped her. Half of me was satisfied with her discomfort, but the other half wanted to protect her from myself. _

"_Is that why you've been so distant?"_

"_Don't avoid the fucking question, Bella. When were you going to fucking tell me?"_

_She took a step back from me, scared of what I might do. I laughed out loud. She was finally having logical reactions to me, seeing me for what I was._

"_It was nothing Edward. It wasn't important."_

"_Don't fucking lie to me Bella, It was most definitely not, nothing. I was there. I saw it. I saw his lips touch yours. I saw you not pull away. I saw you kiss him back. I saw you, all week probably dreaming of a world without me in it."_

"_It wasn't like that at all. I never…"_

_I didn't let her finish. _

"_All week I was there watching you touch your lips, wondering if you were wishing his were back on you; wondering if you even noticed that I hadn't touched you since that day. Do you have any idea what that feels like? Well, Bella, I'm here to grant your wish. I think you should give it a try with Jacob."_

_She looked as if all functions in her body had ceased. _

"_Edward, don't. You can't mean that. You are good for me, you're everything for me. You don't understand at all."_

"_Let me re-word that Bella. You are no good for me. I've realized some things Bella. You are like a drug to me. I crave you every moment of every day. You make me insane with emotion and I am willing to sacrifice everything and everyone for you, Bella. That is not healthy. I need to get rid of you, for my own good."_

_It was all a lie. I wanted her forever but my need of her was the problem. The fact that I thought of killing Jacob Black, in detail, just because he kissed her, wasn't good. The fact that I felt the need and want to mark her as mine for the world to see wasn't good for her. I would incase her in a bubble eventually and not allow her to live. I could see myself doing it and I couldn't let that happen. _

_She stood there staring at me, not saying a word. I could see her physically trying to force herself into action but nothing came. She was breaking but she was strong and eventually she would be ok. I pulled her to me and kissed her forehead. It was a direct contradiction to what I had just said, but I couldn't resist putting my lips to her skin one last time._

"_Goodbye, Bella."_

I woke with a start but I kept my eyes closed. I hated reliving that memory. It made me sick to my stomach, seeing her fall and crumble when I left. Keeping my eyes closed was only making me see the image more clearly but when I tried to open them they were stuck together. I put my hand to them and could feel the crusty evidence of my pathetic emotional breakdown. The one I probably had in my sleep that I wasn't even conscious to witness. I rubbed my palms into my eye sockets hoping to get most of it off, little pieces pulling at my lashes causing involuntary tears to fall, traitorous little bastards.

There was a pounding in the distance, getting louder by the second, annoying the headache I had woken up with. I moved to sit up, finally being able to see a bit through my eyelashes, but fell back with a thud. I was on the floor and the room was shaking. It felt like a mild earthquake that wouldn't end. I tried to yell but my voice wouldn't come. The pounding started to reach it loudest. I could hear the faint sound of a voice behind it and turned my head towards my door. A chair lay against the door handle, stopping whatever was trying to get in from achieving its goal. I didn't remember putting that there but I'm glad that I did. I could wait for the earth to consume me and it would all be over. I turned my head back, feeling the echoes of pain throughout my body. I moved to grab the bottle of Jack I know was with me last night and felt small pricks down my arm. I looked down and saw light being reflected off tiny pieces of glass that were embedded down my arm. Apparently Jack had broken down too and attacked me in the process. I tried to make my other arm move to clean the glass off myself but I couldn't make my body do anything and the shaking in the room was only making it worse.

I heard a loud crash in the direction of the door but I was too preoccupied with the lack of feeling in my body and the shaking.

"Oh my god, Edward"

I heard the voice of my angel and I briefly wondered if I was dead. However if I were dead and heard her voice, I could only assume she was dead, too, so that couldn't be an option.

"Edward, please, look at me. Can you move at all?"

I tried to speak but my throat was dry and I couldn't get the words out.

"Were you lying her all night? It was 20 degrees last night. What were you thinking?"

I felt a blanket being thrown on me and I could hear her footsteps throughout my apartment. I wondered what she was doing here but couldn't focus on any one thought because of the shaking. I felt her come back and lift my head onto her lap slowly.

"Drink this Edward, please. It'll help warm you up."

She softly tilted my head and I felt the hot liquid coat my throat and it instantly felt better. It still felt dry and scratchy but the warmth was soothing. I was also starting to feel the pins and needles of feeling course through my body.

"Fuck"

I felt her giggle behind me.

"Well at least you haven't lost your foul mouth. Can you move at all?"

I nodded at her, still wondering what was happening but too content in her presence to question it. If this was a dream, it was the first one that didn't make me relieve the lowest points in our relationship over and over again and I was going to enjoy it as long as I could.

She helped me up and walked me toward the bathroom. She had filled the tub with water and was leading me to it. She leaned me against the wall and started pulling down my boxer shorts. I watched her the entire time. Once they were off she walked me towards the tub and laid me in it. I was still shaking and the luke-warm water wasn't really what I had expected. I shook harder when I got in.

"I'm sorry baby. I'm not sure if you have a mild case of hypothermia and didn't want the water to be too hot. Here drink some more of this."

Internally I sighed in pleasure hearing that term of endearment. She handed me some more hot tea and I drank it up. I watched her as she washed me, carefully removing the small shards of glass that were embedded in my body. I didn't want to talk to her or ask her any questions, fearing that I would wake myself from this dream. I just sat back and enjoyed the feel of her hands on my body.

One she felt that I was clean enough she pulled me to stand up. I was still shivering but the shaking had subsided. My throat felt raw but I was sure that I could talk if I wanted to. She walked me to my bedroom and laid me down. She stood before me and stripped to her underwear, then lay next to me, cocooning herself around me. I opened my mouth to speak, finally ready to wake from this dream but she shushed me.

"Sleep baby. We can talk when you wake up."

I woke up feeling warm and loved. I hadn't felt this way for months and I wondered what trick my mind was playing on me. I turned to my side but felt resistance. Images of the dream I had last night flooded through my brain and the same moment I hear her soft yawn, Jesus fucking Christ that wasn't a dream. I tried to jump out of the bed but my body was still weak.

"Baby, please don't. Just lay down."

"You shouldn't be here, Bella. What are you thinking?"

"Edward, if I wasn't here you could very possibly be dead."

"Well maybe that was supposed to happen, Bella."

I was going to continue but she straddled me and hit me across the face.

"You shut up, Edward. Do you hear me? You're going to lay here and listen to me, and if you still want me to leave after I'll go and I won't bother you again."

She didn't give me a chance to argue.

"I don't know what you thought happened that day and I don't know why you think that you are so bad for me that you need to stay away. I am here to tell you that I have never had feelings for Jacob and you know that. When he kissed me my entire life with him flashed before my eyes and I saw nothing I wanted. My life would be fine and it would be easy but there would be no passion."

"It's not passion, Bella, it's dirtier than that and you know it. He wouldn't leave you battered and bruised."

"God, Edward. You don't ever listen to me do you? I love you when you're rough and possessive, and I love it when you're sweet and gentle. I love all of you."

"How can you Bella? I'm a monster."

"You're my monster. Don't you see it, you're my vampire and I'm yours. You possess me and take my life from me, but I do the same to you. We live off each other. We belong together - it's the only way either one of us can exist. I've been dying without you because I need you as much as you need me. It's always been that way, you just never noticed."

She put her hands to my sides where her nails had dug into me the night before. She was utterly sincere and for the first time I really looked at her. She was skinnier than I remember and she looked pale, almost sick. Maybe she was telling the truth.

"Bella, I don't know…"

She stopped me again.

"It's not going to be easy. We have to figure out a lot of things but I'm serious, Edward. I don't exist without you. You are my life."

She leaned down and touched her lips to mine. I wasn't sure if the two sides of me could merge into what she deserved or could live in harmony with each other but for Bella I had to be willing to try. I pushed the strand of hair from her eye and looked into her.

"I want."

The rest of my sentence was lost in her mouth as she began to devour me and all I could do was return the gesture.

~fin


End file.
